Sun: 2006-12-17:

The Glenn Beck Interview

Recently I had the magical opportunity to interview celebrity talk radio host, Glenn Beck. As we all know, it is not hard for Glenn to make a fool out of himself by spouting off competitive one-liners like a wimpy football fan in the cheap seats, but for some reason his people thought that I intended for him to be presented in a negative light, solely on my own accord. They cut me out of the video tape and released it anyways. Unfortunately the studio owns the rights to the video, and Beck's financial leverage proved far more effective than my phone calls and e-mails. Nevertheless, here it is.

Check it out, you can see where they cut me out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7SGXhIT1QAc

Black Santa: So, Glen, lets get started. First, let me ask; How do you operate naturally? What I mean is, it seems that you believe in things like character and responsibility for action. How do you demonstrate these things when not adhering to a rigid moral structure such as Mormonism?

Glenn Beck: The way I treated people, or the things I did in my life I... I still blush at times. Uh... I try to let it go, but, by the time I was thirty I was uh friendless, uh working in the smallest market in radio I have ever worked in, um, even at 15 years old um... [throat clear] hopeless alcoholic, uh, using drugs every day, my, uh, family was just a shambles.

Black Santa: Sounds like you were pretty irresponsible. There is no possible way you could have gotten away with all the harsh moral judgments that you cast upon other people, and often their whole countries and/or cultures, at least not with out seeming like a hypocrite. How did you lead the public to believe and repeat these judgments as correct, and in fact make a living this way?

Glenn Beck: The biggest change I was, um, trying to find a job, nobody would hire me, nobody believed that I really changed my ways and couldn't get an agent to represent me, or anything, looked for about 2 years to try to find an entrance into talk radio and my, uh, wife actually wife to be, uhhh, said she wouldn't marry me unless, uh, we had a religion we, that we shared, and I said, I can't do organized religion-- its all about manipulation and power and money and everything else.

Black Santa: Wow! I guess when you put it like that, it does sound... I don't know, like you just couldn't trust it. Well, what did you do? You really put it to her straight, right? Told her how it was?

Glenn Beck: She said well I'm not gonna marry you, and so you know like every guy does with absolutely no spine I said okay we'll go find a church and we went on a church tour and we went to everything, I went to churches where ,um, and I'm not kidding, the sermon on Sunday was delivered by an atheist, which was an interesting concept, um [holding back laughter] but ah, you see my wife actually said, I'd like one that actually, you know, believes in God, um, but a friend of mine called me and said you know, how long have we been, been friends and I said why... and he said well, you really going on a church tour and I said Oooooh!, "Freak Boy", calm down I ain't going to your church, he's a Mormon, and I said there is no way I'm gonna be a Mormon. And he said you owe it to me and my friendship, we've been friends through thick and thin for 20 years, you owe it to me to go one Sunday, and I said okay what time and he said 9 to noon. Oh my gosh!-- 3 hours, what are you insane? I said, you know if your god can't get it done in 1 hour like everybody else's god, he ain't powerful enough, um, so we went and my daughter who has cerebral palsy, she went, and you know the kids weren't really diggin' the church tour thing.

"I don't care if there is Kool-Aid down in the basement, I'm drinking it."

Black Santa: You listened to "Freak Boy"? You have to tell me about some other guys you made fun of and then started a new life based on what they had to say. Alright, so far you've gone from being an uneducated, soft-handed loser, to a sniveling pussy-whipped reject whose only chance of getting positive attention was by picking on others to hide your insecurities, and then copying them? I see. That's really cool that you drug your handicapped kid to places that required attention to worthless rhetoric, and wasted your time also. If your kids' happiness was not on the forefront of your mind, how did you become influenced to stay with one church. Also, had you ever examined your position in this world outside of your earthly concerns, or did you do what you thought you had to do to just get by, and only question your senses when you were using drugs and drinking everyday?

Glenn Beck: We were walking out and my, uh, my daughter, uh, said um, you know, I like, can we can we come back there? And my wife and I stopped in our tracks and said what? And she said, I just feel so warm inside (rubbing motion on chest). And so we started to, uh, we started to go and because, you know, well we figured okay, well, the kids like it and uh it was about 6 months later that I was, um, sitting in a, in a meeting and, uh, one of the guys, who I dubbed, uh, "The Amazing Mr. Plastic Man" because he was, he was the happiest guy ever to meet us, he was like "Hey!" the first time he met us; "Oh! i just love you so much," I'm like, oh, give it a rest brother, I mean you'll hate me in ten minutes, please, I have spent my whole life hating me.

Black Santa: So you were a bully, but you became a funny bully with heart? Glen, had you ever had philosophical debates in any other place than under the black light? Did basic Utopian ideals escape you and your limited scope of reason? And if worded in layman's terms, do you think you may trust the organization that packaged it so much that you would let them shape all of your moral and physical boundaries from that point on, and if so, how?

Glenn Beck: Um, uh, he, uh, he [Amazing Mr. Plastic Man] was talking in Sunday school, and he was talking about the concept, which I'd never heard before, of Zion, and he said how does this, how does this happen? How do we get there? [Glenn starts tearing up] And, uh, he said, uh, still a powerful memory, and he said, uh, the only way this happens is if you truly love me and I truly love you, and you may not agree with me but we love each other, and I realized that he was the most genuine person I had ever met and, um, it was then, it was then that I thought I don't care if there is Kool-Aid down in the basement, I'm drinking it, cause I wanna be, I wanna be like that I want to be able to, um, genuinely love someone the first time I met them. What a great goal that is, and that's really what changed our life. We were baptized on a, [holding back tears] we were baptized on a, [throat clears] baptized on a Sunday, and on Monday an agent called me out of the blue, and he said, uh, I hear you're trying to do talk radio, and I said yeah, and I swear to you, just like this, um...

You know, um, er, uh...

And this is where I stopped paying attention. You know, um, er, um um, he then went on, by the grace of God, to spill forth his impotent propaganda on talk radio. What a sweety.

Thank you Glenn Beck for the candid interview. I don't think we'll do it again, but if any of you twisted readers out there want to stalk him, I'm sure he'd pray about it, and then have very entertaining things to say about it on his radio show.

The Glenn Beck Interview

You know, um, er, uh...

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